Life vs. Money

Before I even write this, I already know the answer. What is the goal of my next job? Is it to make me money or is it to give me enjoyment? Before coming back to business school, I worked for money. I needed as much money as quickly as possible, and in my last year I made over $200k all-in, not bad for a back office monkey. But then I wasn't satisfied with myself. I felt choked in my own life, and I had to get out. A little irrational behavior later, I was heading back to business school in LA, but not before 4 months worth of traveling around the world first.

I miss my paycheck. Every day. I envision things I could do with that paycheck. A nice car, fancy dinners, etc etc. I think I just got frustrated at my parents for not taking my money and retiring with it, so I said forget about it, I'm just not going to make any money anymore. It's the ultimate burnout, I guess.

Here I am back in school, but subcombing to the same old crap. Do well in school, get an internship, and get that offer. Aren't I just getting back into the same cycle as before? But before I break out of this cycle, I have a little problem. I don't know which job would make me happy. I've been trying to figure it out, but to no avail. I don't have a clue where to start. Every time I think about some new job I could do, I think more about how I'm not qualified to do that job. It's like I'm shooting myself down before I've even had a chance to explore it, which is not good. And the pressure to get an internship is mounting as well.

Screw it, I'm not going to find an answer in the next couple of days. I wonder whether I should just quit altogether and go find a little hourly job while I think things through. Probably not. I'd be too unmarketable to big bucks if I did that. Here we go again...

Why is life so fragile?

I don't get it. We as humans spend 9 months in our mothers' wombs. Our parents then raise us for another 18 or so years before we are officially adults. Yet, in the fraction of a second, all that can be taken away. Life is so fragile, and I can't get my arms around it. I really can't. In the past month, I've been to a memorial service for a 24 year old, and heard about another service for a 26 year old. The first was a freak car accident and the other a suicide. All that time spent growing up, going to college, and getting a job, etc. In seconds, they were gone. Some say that's just part of life. Shit happens, and sometimes people die before they're supposed to. They take solace in the fact that heaven is taking care of the dead. Yeah, tell that to these two's parents. I'm sure they will have something to say about that.

I've struggled with emotional unstableness pretty much all of my life. Add that to the pressure to succeed and make lots of money, I can't even say that I know myself very well. And what if I were to kick the bucket tomorrow? Would I have looked back and say that I lived my life to the fullest without any regrets? The mere fact that I'm posing this question makes it kind of rhetorical. Maybe I should just stop analyzing so much and use that time to live instead. Someone said, in the long run, we are all dead. Sadly, although I still can't grasp it, I will eventually have to abide by that rule as well.