My Goals

It's easy to forget what our goals are. Especially in school, where the herd mentality dominates just about every other way of thinking. I recently read an assigned book called "The Goal", which talks about the goals of a manufacturing company. Although it was dealing with operations management in a factory, I think it applies to me as well. I gave up a lot of money to be back at school today, and to be quite honest, I don't believe that I've gotten my money's worth. Seeing my cash account get depleted on a daily basis, I can't help but wonder what I got myself into. So what am I going to do about it? I'm not sure. But one thing I know, the only predictable thing about life is its unpredictability.

Internships. You have to get one or you are a loser. That's what the CRC has been touting since day one. A little harsh, yes, but for career switchers, they probably need the push. I even got into it a bit, including the stupid thought that investment banking might be a worthwhile way to spend my summer. The herd mentality gathers a lot of steam around here, and I can understand why. It's lonely to set your own path. No one has gone on it before, and no one wants to go with you now. That's just the way it is. It's funny that I want to go off on my own, because that's exactly what I don't need right now. I need to surround myself with people. I've been lonely for so long and it's one of the reasons I left my previous job.

So anyway, what are my goals? Basically, it is to find a job that I can excel in, make good money, and be happy. The problem is that I don't know if I can find all three in the same job. At EY, I was good at my job but didn't make that much money. At Watershed, I was miserable every day while raking in the cash. What's my next job going to be like? Or should I say the heck with it, I'm just gonna go do my own thing? That's what's making my internship search so hard. I keep trying to find the perfect job that I end up not motivated for any job. I wonder what my solution is...

Life vs. Money

Before I even write this, I already know the answer. What is the goal of my next job? Is it to make me money or is it to give me enjoyment? Before coming back to business school, I worked for money. I needed as much money as quickly as possible, and in my last year I made over $200k all-in, not bad for a back office monkey. But then I wasn't satisfied with myself. I felt choked in my own life, and I had to get out. A little irrational behavior later, I was heading back to business school in LA, but not before 4 months worth of traveling around the world first.

I miss my paycheck. Every day. I envision things I could do with that paycheck. A nice car, fancy dinners, etc etc. I think I just got frustrated at my parents for not taking my money and retiring with it, so I said forget about it, I'm just not going to make any money anymore. It's the ultimate burnout, I guess.

Here I am back in school, but subcombing to the same old crap. Do well in school, get an internship, and get that offer. Aren't I just getting back into the same cycle as before? But before I break out of this cycle, I have a little problem. I don't know which job would make me happy. I've been trying to figure it out, but to no avail. I don't have a clue where to start. Every time I think about some new job I could do, I think more about how I'm not qualified to do that job. It's like I'm shooting myself down before I've even had a chance to explore it, which is not good. And the pressure to get an internship is mounting as well.

Screw it, I'm not going to find an answer in the next couple of days. I wonder whether I should just quit altogether and go find a little hourly job while I think things through. Probably not. I'd be too unmarketable to big bucks if I did that. Here we go again...

Why is life so fragile?

I don't get it. We as humans spend 9 months in our mothers' wombs. Our parents then raise us for another 18 or so years before we are officially adults. Yet, in the fraction of a second, all that can be taken away. Life is so fragile, and I can't get my arms around it. I really can't. In the past month, I've been to a memorial service for a 24 year old, and heard about another service for a 26 year old. The first was a freak car accident and the other a suicide. All that time spent growing up, going to college, and getting a job, etc. In seconds, they were gone. Some say that's just part of life. Shit happens, and sometimes people die before they're supposed to. They take solace in the fact that heaven is taking care of the dead. Yeah, tell that to these two's parents. I'm sure they will have something to say about that.

I've struggled with emotional unstableness pretty much all of my life. Add that to the pressure to succeed and make lots of money, I can't even say that I know myself very well. And what if I were to kick the bucket tomorrow? Would I have looked back and say that I lived my life to the fullest without any regrets? The mere fact that I'm posing this question makes it kind of rhetorical. Maybe I should just stop analyzing so much and use that time to live instead. Someone said, in the long run, we are all dead. Sadly, although I still can't grasp it, I will eventually have to abide by that rule as well.